How I Ended up at Victoria's Secret After Getting a One Nail Manicure

Yesterday I went to the mall in search of an atomizer. (For those who also don't know what a Victrola is, an atomizer is an empty cologne/perfume spray bottle.) Well, apparently stores have decided to sell 'em only with cologne/perfume already in 'em because one wasn't to be found. One salesperson at Macy's suggested I try Bath & Beauty Works and then Victoria's Secret.

As uncomfortable as I felt I really wanted an atomizer so I walked toward Victoria's Secret. On the way a lady (with some unidentified European accent...perhaps Russian or Ukrainian) at a kiosk quickly pounced on me; would I like to try a sample? After finding out it was lotion I replied in the negative. She asked me, "May I see your hand?" Well, it was the best offer I'd had all day (she was pretty) so I agreed. Rosanna (her name) started manicuring one nail of mine while she started her memorized sales pitch. Though heavily accented her English was excellent.

Well, Rosanna said I had to promise either I wouldn't faint or be shocked (I can't remember which). She showed me my nail; quite frankly, I didn't expect to see any difference. I was surprised: it really was shiny! Rosanna said her kit came with one of six scented lotions that I could choose. (She proceeded to stick each lotion bottle under my nose so I could determine my favorite. For those who care I chose "Green Apple.")

Well, the manicure kit cost $75 but she told shortly thereafter that it was on sale for $49, I think. You know how you feel when you realize you're never going to buy something but you're in a quandary because you don't want to be curt and interrupt but you feel bad because a salesperson is going through the pitch for nothing? I stood there uncomfortably and hoped to extricate myself from the situation as painlessly as possible.

Sadly, Rosanna made no sale from me that day. I continued to Victoria's Secret. Wow is that place pink! I walked rapidly through the store as I tried not to focus on anything, not with 100% success. I saw things there...

***I think the name of the store is dead wrong. From her wardrobe it appears she isn't keeping too many secrets these days.***

A pleasant salesperson answered my atomizer query. I then got out of Dodge with my manhood intact.

And my nail is still shiny.

When She Says, "It's Not About You, It's About Me"

...she means, "It's about how lousy I feel when I'm with you. Let's be friends; you know, the kind where we pretend each other doesn't exist."

What Every Man Dreads to Hear

"Honey, we need to talk."

President Obama Meets with His Czars

"Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil!"

How to Give Glory to God

Noah Webster (glory): “Brightness; luster; splendor” (splendor) “Great show of richness and elegance; magnificence”

I. God is literally Glorious (which overwhelms people with awesome fear)

1 Timothy 6:16 ESV who alone has immortality, who dwells in unapproachable light, whom no one has ever seen or can see. To him be honor and eternal dominion. Amen.

Moses with God
Exodus 33:18-23 ESV Moses said, "Please show me your glory." (19) And he said, "I will make all my goodness pass before you and will proclaim before you my name 'The LORD.' And I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and will show mercy on whom I will show mercy. (20) But," he said, "you cannot see my face, for man shall not see me and live." (21) And the LORD said, "Behold, there is a place by me where you shall stand on the rock, (22) and while my glory passes by I will put you in a cleft of the rock, and I will cover you with my hand until I have passed by. (23) Then I will take away my hand, and you shall see my back, but my face shall not be seen."

Isaiah with God
Isaiah 6:1-5 ESV In the year that King Uzziah died I saw the Lord sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up; and the train of his robe filled the temple. (2) Above him stood the seraphim. Each had six wings: with two he covered his face, and with two he covered his feet, and with two he flew. (3) And one called to another and said: "Holy, holy, holy is the LORD of hosts; the whole earth is full of his glory!" (4) And the foundations of the thresholds shook at the voice of him who called, and the house was filled with smoke. (5) And I said: "Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts!"
Peter with Jesus
Matthew 17:1-4 ESV And after six days Jesus took with him Peter and James, and John his brother, and led them up a high mountain by themselves. (2) And he was transfigured before them, and his face shone like the sun, and his clothes became white as light. (3) And behold, there appeared to them Moses and Elijah, talking with him. (4) And Peter said to Jesus, "Lord, it is good that we are here. If you wish, I will make three tents here, one for you and one for Moses and one for Elijah."

Mark 9:6 ESV For he did not know what to say, for they were terrified.

John with Jesus
Revelation 1:10-18 ESV I was in the Spirit on the Lord's day, and I heard behind me a loud voice like a trumpet (11) saying, "Write what you see in a book and send it to the seven churches, to Ephesus and to Smyrna and to Pergamum and to Thyatira and to Sardis and to Philadelphia and to Laodicea." (12) Then I turned to see the voice that was speaking to me, and on turning I saw seven golden lampstands, (13) and in the midst of the lampstands one like a son of man, clothed with a long robe and with a golden sash around his chest. (14) The hairs of his head were white, like white wool, like snow. His eyes were like a flame of fire, (15) his feet were like burnished bronze, refined in a furnace, and his voice was like the roar of many waters. (16) In his right hand he held seven stars, from his mouth came a sharp two-edged sword, and his face was like the sun shining in full strength. (17) When I saw him, I fell at his feet as though dead. But he laid his right hand on me, saying, "Fear not, I am the first and the last, (18) and the living one. I died, and behold I am alive forevermore, and I have the keys of Death and Hades.

II. Obviously we cannot bring literal glory to him but we can bring figurative glory to him because praise is glory.

Christ defines praise as glory
John 5:44 ESV How can you believe, when you receive glory from one another and do not seek the glory that comes from the only God?

The Saints’ prayers are sweet-smelling, as it were: that's giving glory
Revelation 8:1-4 ESV When the Lamb opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven for about half an hour. (2) Then I saw the seven angels who stand before God, and seven trumpets were given to them. (3) And another angel came and stood at the altar with a golden censer, and he was given much incense to offer with the prayers of all the saints on the golden altar before the throne, (4) and the smoke of the incense, with the prayers of the saints, rose before God from the hand of the angel.

Psalms 141:1-2 ESV A Psalm of David. O LORD, I call upon you; hasten to me! Give ear to my voice when I call to you! (2) Let my prayer be counted as incense before you, and the lifting up of my hands as the evening sacrifice!

1. We give glory to God when we praise him

Ascribe to the LORD the glory due his name; bring an offering and come before him! Worship the LORD in the splendor of holiness; tremble before him, all the earth; yes, the world is established; it shall never be moved. Let the heavens be glad, and let the earth rejoice, and let them say among the nations, "The LORD reigns!" (1 Chronicles 16:29-31 ESV)

Noah Webster (ascribe): 2. To attribute, as a quality, or an appurtenance; to consider or allege to belong; as, to ascribe perfection to God, or imperfection to man. Job 36. Psa 68. 1 Sam 18.

2. We give glory to God when we tell the truth, a form of praise

Joshua to Achan
Joshua 7:19 ESV Then Joshua said to Achan, "My son, give glory to the LORD God of Israel and give praise to him. And tell me now what you have done; do not hide it from me."

Pharisees to blind man healed
John 9:24-25 ESV So for the second time they called the man who had been blind and said to him, "Give glory to God. We know that this man is a sinner." (25) He answered, "Whether he is a sinner I do not know. One thing I do know, that though I was blind, now I see."

3. We give glory to God when we live righteously as ambassadors before sinners, causing the world to praise the Lord

Matthew 5:14-16 ESV "You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. (15) Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. (16) In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.

Praise God For His Grace!

Yesterday evening after church I drove to the nearby Walmart for some shopping. When finished I left the store with my purchases and walked in the rain to my car. As I began to drive away a horrible sound filled my ears. I pulled into another spot and looked under my Honda Civic. My muffler pipe was on the ground at one end!

I'm glad some church folks could be reached with my cell phone; one of the guys took me home. We left the car on the Walmart parking lot because it wasn't going anywhere!

Today an uncle of mine took me back to Walmart, jacked up the car and managed to tie up the pipe temporarily with wire. He followed me in his truck as I made my way to a local exhaust repair shop. You can imagine the roar of the engine! It sounded like some teenager's car that he tricked out to do back road drag racing.

We made it to the shop. One quick inspection told me that it could be repaired for $10! I was thrilled that I didn't have to buy a new exhaust system! In a few minutes the part was welded, the car purred quietly and I gladly paid the $10.60 (total with tax).

Thank God:

1. It didn't fall down when I was driving 70 mph on I-64.
2. The car wasn't broken into or towed away as it sat all night at Walmart.
3. That my uncle had the things necessary to enact a quick repair and the time to help me out.
4. That I didn't have to explain to a police officer why my car sounded like some teenager's car that he tricked out to do back road drag racing.
5. That it cost me only $10.60 and a few minutes wait for the repair.
6. That it now purrs quietly.

God is VERY good!

The Romantic, The Cynic, The Realist & The Obsessive-Compulsive

The Romantic says, "What a beautiful picture of a flower!"
The Cynic says, "The flower's been plucked. It's going to die."
The Realist says, "It's a beautiful picture of a plucked flower that's going to die."
The Obsessive-Compulsive says, "Now I have to wash my hands because I just saw a picture of a beautiful but germ-infested plucked flower that's going to die!"

What the Amish Think of Christian Authors Who Write Novels About Them

Socrates' Fundamentally Flawed Judgment

Adolf Hitler Hates My Blog

Editor's note: LarryMcCallister.com is pleased to receive this non-endorsement from one of the most vile and evil men who ever lived.

Kennedy and Khrushchev's Cold War Misunderstanding

Rock Men Aren't Great Communicators

One Cat's Dilemma

The Hardest Working Man in Show Business

Don't get politically correct on me. Just laugh and move on.
(You have to admire the guy, don't you?)

My Lackluster Free KFC Grilled Chicken Dinner Experience: A Disappointing Review

Like so many others I jumped on the chance to get a free KFC dinner featuring its new grilled chicken. Well, my time period allotted to me had arrived and I decided to make today the day I'd cash in my coupon for the meal.

I arrived at a KFC not far from my home in the Kanawha Valley. I had no waiting period as I stepped up and presented my coupon. The workers were friendly and accommodating. As my meal was being prepared I took my empty medium-sized paper cup to the fountain drink machine and selected Diet Pepsi. (My diabetes necessitates that but I digress.) Being the Scotsman that I am I didn't put any ice in my cup so I could fill 'er up with a greater volume of pop (or soda, or whatever your regional locale calls it).

I was handed my bag and I left. After I arrived home I looked at the contents of my container and took a couple of pictures. Here's one:


Instantly I was disappointed. The grilled chicken pieces—a drumstick and what appeared to be a wing—were diminutive; look at the unused space in that section of the tray! Granted, it was free but, still..! I suppose Vegans can rejoice that the Colonel decided to sacrifice the smallest bird available for my carnivorous sample.

Everything tasted okay but, in truth, the grilled chicken was nothing special. Perhaps if I'd been given a larger selection I would've been able to make a better determination but that may be wishful thinking. It wasn't bad, of course, just "okay".

Give me the old-fashioned KFriedC. I won't be offended.

Cavalry and Calvary

Many folks mistakenly say "Calvary" when they really mean "cavalry". There's a big difference: the cavalry rides in to save your life but Jesus died on a cross at Calvary to save your soul.

"And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell."
(Matthew 10.28 ESV)

Let the Fire Fall on Me!

From the early days of the Church of God (Anderson), my church affiliation, we proclaimed our doctrine in our songs. One prominent theme was the Wesleyan doctrine of entire sanctification. In a nutshell entire sanctification teaches that the saved Christian is to present himself to God to be filled with the Holy Spirit for complete holiness and power for ministry. (We do not advocate speaking in tongues as the initial evidence of being so filled; thus, while some in our ranks may refer to this experience as the baptism of the Holy Spirit, it is not to be confused with our Pentecostal brothers' and sisters' view.)

One of my favorite heritage hymns was penned by William J. Henry, entitled Let the Fire Fall on Me. It has a catchy chorus and I've found myself singing it this week.

Lord, I would be wholly Thine, I would do Thy will divine,
From the world and sin and self I would be free;
On the altar now I lie, And with all my heart I cry,
Let the holy fire from heaven fall on me.

I would have sufficient grace, Every foe to bravely face,
And an overcomer ever more to be;
That I well may fill my place, And that I may win the race,
Let the holy fire from heaven fall on me.

Holy Spirit from above, Fill my longing soul with love,
Till the Master’s image all in me may see;
Make me gentle, true and kind, Meek of heart and humble mind,
Let the Holy Fire from heaven fall on me.

In the kingdom I would stay, There to labor night and day,
Anyway and anywhere Yhy will may be;
But that I may do my best, And that others may be blessed,
Let the holy fire from heaven fall on me.

Chorus
Let the fire fall on me, Let the fire fall on me;
The fire of Pentecost, Consuming sin and dross,
Let the holy fire from heaven fall on me.

Henry wrote, "From the world and sin and self I would be free" and it is an excellent point. Obviously the world and sin hold us in bondage but so does the self. I've found that I'm my own worst enemy more than I'd care to admit.

A Terse Clinton v. Graham Moment in American Politics

Who do you think would've won in a sandbox fight when they were kids?

Definition: House Warming Party

Can't you just feel the love?

Never Live in Oklahoma City...

...if you are Ink Blot Man.

Quick Take on Michael Jackson Memorial

For the most part it was tasteful though at times it became a Hagiographa which, to me, is unwarranted and misguided. The inclusion of a Maya Angelou poem seemed cliched. Well, at least Elton John didn't sing a once-more modified rendition of Candle in the Wind.

The Secret Prideful Temptations of Pope Innocent X

The Greatest Army Recruitment Poster Ever

Sexist? [shrugging] You make the call. But I'm sure teenage boys across the country loved it!

Maria Cheng: Europe's State Health Care Not Utopia

AP Medical Writer Maria Cheng is to be commended for her honest story, "Europe's free, state-run health care has drawbacks" and I'd recommending reading it here.

Was Pope John Paul II Catholic?

(Okay, you have to have some of the driest humor on the planet to get this stupid joke.)

Happy Birthday, America!

The Forgotten Star-Spangled Banner Verse

O, thus be it ever when freemen shall stand,
Between their lov'd homes and the war's desolation;
Blest with vict'ry and peace, may the heav'n-rescued land
Praise the Pow'r that hath made and preserv'd us a nation!
Then conquer we must, when our cause. it is just,
And this be our motto: "In God is our trust"
And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

Senator Al Franken: No Joke

It's been said that we get the government that we deserve. Well, Coleman conceded the disputed election and former SNL's "Stuart Smalley" is heading to the Senate.

Thanks, Minnesota, for showing us democracy at its most bizarre. [rolling eyes]

Duck Ringtone Interrupts Obama Speech

President Obama was making a LGBT speech when we was interrupted by a duck ringtone:



I'd like to think the duck was protesting the whole affair but that's probably just wishful thinking on my part.