May 31, 2008

That Weird Uncle Nobody Talks About

Uncle Charlie is confused that you never can
find the time to take in a ball game with him.

May 29, 2008

A Drawing You Never Want Made of Yourself

May 28, 2008

Keep Distractions to a Minimum

Bill learned the hard way to turn off his pagers and cell phone

before he began to entertain his guests with machete juggling.

May 27, 2008

Keep Track of Your Cell Phone Minutes

Samantha was furious with Gary because he racked up an enormous

cell phone bill instead of making the calls on the home phone.

May 26, 2008

Memorial Day Pt. 2

Star Spangled Banner, Third Verse

O, thus be it ever when freemen shall stand,

Between their lov'd homes and the war's desolation;

Blest with vict'ry and peace, may the heav'n-rescued land

Praise the Pow'r that hath made and preserv'd us as a nation!

Then conquer we must, when our cause. it is just,

And this be our motto: "In God is our trust"

And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave

O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

May 25, 2008

Memorial Day

Pray for them.

May 24, 2008

Watch Your Body Language

Father McBell, so focused on delivering his homily

with passion, unknowingly flashed a local gang sign.

Upon realizing his mistake the priest quickly apologized from the pulpit.

May 22, 2008

The First Refrigerated Home

Philip always enjoyed running his air conditioner full blast

during the summer, but his friends thought he was exaggerating when

he declared that his home would be cold enough, "to hang meat."

May 21, 2008

A Loyal Aikido Student

Aikido student Donny didn't want to embarrass his sensei

so he pretended to be caught in a painful submission

though, in reality, his elderly instructor was asleep on the mat.

May 19, 2008

When It First Really Hits You That You've Been Committed to a Mental Institution

May 18, 2008

The Hardest Working Man in Show Business

"I've been busier than a one-armed paper hanger."

May 17, 2008

Keven Gets His Dust Storm Revenge

"Hey, Mom, you know how you're always on my case

about tracking dirt on your carpets...?"

May 16, 2008

The Thoughts of a Tempted Pharmacist

Hmm...I wonder if this script would help me tolerate my hideous co-workers?

May 15, 2008

When Pretty Ladies Have a Problem Accepting It

Unable to cope with the societal perks of her loveliness,

Cheryl reluctantly joined Beautiful Women Anonymous.

May 14, 2008

How to Recover During a Live Concert

Kelly: "Can you remember the next verse of this song?"

Morgan: "Nah, I never learned it; I hate this song!"

Kelly: "Cool. Just play a guitar solo, throwing in some good riffs.

I'm going to jump around the stage and act like I know what I'm doing."

"Special Needs" People

The members of Anderson Community Church's young adult group

found everything on their scavenger hunt list except a clue.

May 13, 2008

The Bad Break-Up № 2

Jill appreciated that Henry wrote and performed love songs for her but, in the end, couldn't endure his hideously horrible ballads that made her fall asleep.

May 12, 2008

Why One Guru is Happy

"The ladies like the beard."

May 11, 2008

The Day Hitler Realized He Was Vulnerable

"Wow."

May 10, 2008

The Bad Break-Up

Sarah left her boyfriend, Eddy, not because he lived on the wrong side

of the tracks, but because he lived on the tracks, themselves.

May 9, 2008

U2 Rattle and Hum

Today I found a DVD copy of U2's tour video, "Rattle and Hum." This was the video testament to their "Joshua Tree" and "Rattle and Hum" albums' era. This was the timeline of their music that I was introduced to during my freshman year at college. It cost $9.99 so I scooped the one copy up.

I'm biased but I believe this is their finest music. "Achtung Baby" brought a new sound to the evolving group...but not my favorite.

I don't fault U2 for transforming their music; any group that spans decades inevitably morphs and grows. I just like "The Joshua Tree"-"Rattle and Hum" the best.

May I admit that I think Bono is overexposed today? I can't blame him for being famous or influential. He's worked hard at third world debt forgiveness and poverty relief. Still, if he wanted to be a radical these days he could revert to his given name: Paul Hewson. Likewise, The Edge could once again become Dave Evans.

Now, that would sound like something the U2 of old would do.

How I Prefer to View the World

"Ignorance is bliss."

Gender Sensitivity in the Armed Forces

"You Dames are gonna love the Army!"

May 8, 2008

What Eisenhower Secretly Thought

"Disgrace the US, Kennedy, and you'll answer to me, you funny talking hippy!"

May 7, 2008

Gas Prices Angst

May 5, 2008

The Proper Way to View a Cow

Even Prisoners Have Pride

"I'm glad to see everyone got the memo about 'Stripes Monday.'"

May 3, 2008

When a Priest Becomes Angry

"Don't make me get off this pedestal and smack you."

May 2, 2008

Nuns Fight Back

Some nuns took great offense of my amorous desire to convert Laura Ingraham from Roman Catholicism to Wesleyan Christianity. An order known as "The Dogmatic Sisters of Alexander VI the Great" is up in arms...literally.

LarryMcCallister.com will keep abreast of this unfolding controversy.

May 1, 2008

Why I'm in Love With Laura Ingraham

Yes, my blog entry title is a teaser. I'm not really "in love" with Laura Ingraham, the conservative pundit and talk radio host. However, I feel I could stand a good chance of being so if I had the opportunity to know her. To quote Glenn Beck, here's how I got there.

I love intelligent women. Education is important to me, official or otherwise. Well-read ladies with competent opinions on world events are attractive. Females who are interested in their world enough to discover and learn throughout their lives get big points.

I love intelligent conservative women. Yes, conservative. Unabashedly and unashamedly so. Politically, theologically and socially conservative. Now to quote Paris Hilton, that's hot.

Laura Ingraham is an intelligent conservative. Unfortunately she is Roman Catholic and I am Wesleyan in theology. It would take all of my wiles and the Holy Spirit's inner work to convert her. Pray for me.

P.S. in this pic Laura is getting prepped to take a ride in a F-18 fighter/bomber. Sadly, I see no sidearm on her flight suit. I doubt they gave her one to wear. Too bad. Perhaps it's just as well; I fear they would've handed her a 9mm instead of a .45, anyway.

BTW, she's on The O'Reilly Factor right now. She's wearing a yellow blouse and adorning a cross around her neck. She looks like the living personification of my dream woman in the picture. She's hot. That's how I got there.

Amelia Earhart's Misplaced Optimism

"Just get in the plane. What could happen?"

: Name: Larry McCallister; Location: WV, United States

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An Innocent PSA Goes Horribly Awry

The President is Faced With a Crisis

"Don't look for depth here. I mean, yeah, occasionally there are serious blog entries here. Still, most of them are pretty much devoid of intelligence. Don't think about them too deeply. Just laugh."

LarryMcCallister.com